I read a lot. Then, a few years later I realized that I was only reading but not doing:) So, woke up and stopped reading pretty much anything but for a combination of spiritual / scientific books or spiritual-scientific (yes, scientists writing about Universe/God, etc.)books! 2012 brought a tremendous change in me but only after those “painful 3 am getting up in the mornings thinking why do I even exist”…………..
Since childhood, probably from the age of five, my only quest is to know myself, where I came from and where I will go when I die, what this universe is and how it works, why things are like they are and what I’m supposed to do in this funny place called earth. But, I was naive and owing to typical South Indian tradition, I was trying to be a nice girl. Only thing which I did different was – I studied hard. Looks like I’m the first female engineer from my small town and inspired many others to become engineers. Worked with non-profits from late teens, initially as a fundraiser and then as a tutor. Ran a 30-student non-profit school in the slums of Hyderabad along with a friend. Came to US and did MBA and my dreams crashed:) Because it was 2008-09. I had to fight a lot as a woman of color with VISA issues.
I’m still in the process of getting settled in life. But, what is settlement? I’m definitely better than what I imagined what I would be when I grow up. And I’ve surely emerged strong, to the extent of not caring much about what others’ think. But, there were many times in the past I wanted to disappear or die. Or felt worthless. Or wanted someone in the world to acknowledge me, validate me. Today, it feels good. I let go of the neediness. The fact that I’m “living” is good enough to celebrate. There are billions of neurons and trillions of cells which make me, I don’t even know how they process so much stuff. But, what I know is we are these amazing creatures who just waste life in drama and being sad:)
So, I got out of it. Step by step. Not 100%. The process is hard. I try harder though.